i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
