I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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