I'm lost and stupid without you.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
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Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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