Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
