I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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