Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
