If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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