True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
