Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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