I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
