I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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