Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
