Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
