there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
