low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
