I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
