I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just threw up on my dentist
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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