I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
