No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
