I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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