Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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