I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I supernannyed him into submission
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
