So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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