maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
