Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
