What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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