you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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