I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
