He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
