I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
