I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
