Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
