i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
