I wish I only lived at night.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
