Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
