I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
