can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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