If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
