rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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