I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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