I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
