I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
