Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
