I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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