Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Congratulations! We have a period
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