Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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