no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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