dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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