I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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