Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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