my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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