wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
