Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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