i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
