I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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