Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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