I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
