you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
