Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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